Sitting in the warm winter sun today my mind wandered to all the clients I had seen over the years. The impression they left me with, their life stories and the world they inhabited both the outer and the inner. Yes, they have come to me for help in moving forward with life, to tackle issues from grief and anxiety, manage cumbersome relationships and so much more. In doing so their healing journey became a part of my own healing, and this is what they have taught me over the years.
Life narratives
I came into this profession rather later in life, in my late forties. I thought my four decades of living life in different countries across the world had made me see most of what life offers. Human experiences are made of many things’ kinship, mourning, exchange, biological needs, expression of emotion, yet I realized that an individual carries a world in them a world mapped by their values, beliefs, environmental, biological factors, and the subjective lens through which each one perceives the world.
In my practice and training, I have had people unfold life stories which I had then only read in books or newspapers or perhaps never heard of. From horrific child abuse which made the hair my nape stand up, rape, kidnapping to utter humiliation which people had experienced made me realize how lucky I have been in life. I also learn about deeply personal stories of kindness and compassion despite the unending hardship. This has deepened and enriched me in more than one way.
Resiliency
Whether it was grief or challenging medical difficulties, I came across people whose resilience is beyond belief. A young woman surrounded by cat food most of her life and almost caged in a room gets a PhD, another faces major brain and back. surgeries alone, an old lady finding wisdom nuggets despite a lifetime of obstacles . The ability to fight the shadow of darkness and emerge in the lightness of being is what I marvel at. One would think that the adversities would have crushed them, but they emerge to the contrary. Personally, at one point, I didn’t think I could ever manage hospitalization alone but as I learn one can do it and come out on the other end fine.
Trust
Trust is a complex and multifaceted concept that generally refers to the belief or confidence in the reliability, integrity, and competence of a person, group, or system. It involves a willingness to be vulnerable and to rely on the actions, decisions, or intentions of another party. Building trust takes time and effort, and it can be fragile. I cannot emphasize hard enough what it means for people to trust me and be part of their healing journey in so many ways.
When a person shares their deepest darkest part of themselves, they make themselves vulnerable and it takes immense courage to reach out to a stranger. I am deeply humbled that people allowed me in at that point in their lives.
The art surprise.
Each day is a day of amazement of what will emerge when a piece of clay or crayon is given to a client. A painting with hundreds of eyes to a clay figure of elephants and ants which crush the family, each person's response is unique to them and their situation. Each art directive can yield a hitherto unknown dimension coming from deep within. Each work is a sign of healing, expression and saying see “I matter”.
Looking at the changes in the depiction of work as we work through issues continuously shows to me the inner transformation taking place encouraging me to keep working harder with my clients.
Take care of my own mental health first
I think about my relationships more carefully, and more thoughtfully now then what I have ever done before. When I sit there and listen to what clients have learned from their struggle, they are also in some ways imparting wisdom to me. Whether it is setting boundaries, listening, or taking care of myself I am focused on it. I am equally open to reaching out to a fellow therapist if something in my life is not working out. To help someone means also to look after myself first.
Ghosting
Yup, it happens occasionally, and it hurts. I wonder what could have gone wrong , what could I do better. It can shake my clinical confidence, but I have learnt to now see it as an opportunity to become more empathic, more intuitive, and more effective.
The prayer from gestalt therapist, Fritz Perls also brings solace to the heart.
I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I; If by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.
Finding meaning in life
In his classic book Victor Hugo writes we can find meaning in three different ways: by creating a work or doing a deed; by experiencing something or someone; and by the attitude we take to unavoidable suffering. Even when we are no longer able to change a situation, we can change ourselves. When I worked as a HR professional, my working life had little meaning. Yes, I got paid decently and could count on a steady income. but I hated the work and the environment.
As I work with clients the meaning of my life shifted and a quiet joy appeared in my work and life. One can’t match money with a call which comes when a client struggling with clinical depression wins a national level tennis match and credits the victory to you, the fruit basket or the cake sent on a successful end of therapy, the simple letter which said you changed my life or just happiness seeing someone transformed
In the process of working with others I changed, slowed down, savoured, and started respecting myself and finally did what I wanted to and when I wanted to. I was no longer chained but finally free to follow my calling and my time was my own.
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