A year of treatment with my gynaecologist regarding spotting between periods and the decision laid bare hysterectomy is needed. The date is finalized. The timing was less than perfect: a family wedding loaded with contrasts, the operation after two days and then my dead mother’s birthday and wedding anniversary squeezed in.
My nerves had been fraught with anxiety and immense angst for a week, but surprisingly on the night before and day of operation I was calm. As I was wheeled in the surgery my first impression was, “What a cold space this is?”, steel instruments lying around ready for my body to be cut open, sterile hygienic but lacking in soul , my name and vitals loudly displayed on the chart. Within a minute or so I was lying down, and anaesthetic being given. My last memory is of my body going numb and me saying “I don’t feel anything”.
I opened my eyes a few hours later. Nauseous to the core, weeping and in need of touch. The touch of my mother’s hand to soothe me or my grandmother’s hand rubbing oil in my hair which unwind me, hands nowhere to be found. I asked the nurses to hold my hand, but they were indifferent, laughing, smiling but unable to connect with me on a humane level. I understand it is not their job to be emotionally present and they are far too busy to focus on a single patient.
I kept calling for my brother and they allowed him in. I held his hand and felt better. After a few hours I was shifted to the room nauseous and kept telling my brother to rub my head. The only feeling calming me. My friend Shalini came later that night and again all I could say was “Put your hand on my head”. She did what I asked. Mercifully both didn’t judge me, accepted, and did what I asked.
Five hours of weeping later I called Rohini, deep as I was in a haze, but her words and energy healing calmed me down almost immediately. A night injection later, I was a different person in command of the weeping and needed to touch going away with wind.
As I recovered, I realized that this operation has made me aware of many lessons of life and the body.
The power of gratitude
I had never thought in my lifetime that my brother would help with the surgery simply because he lived too far away . I was thankful that he put his post holidays plan aside to help me through the same and all the insurance work. His whole family was helpful in tiny ways, my nephew or niece getting that glass of water, or my sister in-law bending to give me a shawl .
A big thank you to all my friends, guides and support groups who showered love, prayed for revival, called me regularly or met me to keep my spirits up both before, during and post-surgery.
An immense thank you to all the clients who were also checking in and sending prayers of healing and supporting me in my curing.
A big shout of thanks to Dr BB Dash and his entire team ensuring that the surgery went well and his entire staff making sure we were comfortable with the process and procedure. I am also thanking the insurance company in advance for settling my bills easily and effortlessly.
Letting go
Right before the operation my oldest and most trusted friend recommended a book “Letting Go'' . The book reminded me of what Mooji baba who I had been following for years said. Each day I surrendered my negative emotions running below the circuit of the thought process. Whether it was intense grief of my mother’s death, anger or just plain helplessness, I surrendered as the emotions came. Trying to watch them and then asking the divine to take care of them. The book is a reminder again- Thought leads to feelings , feelings impact the body. If I had to come out of this unblemished then the energy field had to be cleared. Emotions came up plenty deep, anger, and sadness. I watched and did not bury it and surrendered simply saying take care of it I don’t know how to anymore.
Recovery time
I am not sure why I thought I could recover from a surgery in three days and have the same physical strength as before. I had pain occasionally. I couldn’t walk as much as I did earlier, and I needed to stop and rest. Surgical interventions take healing time, and you need to move in your days slowly and recover and cherish each day as it comes.
Your normal routine may not work anymore which for me meant no sculpture classes for me, my safe and loving space and yes, no work for two weeks minimum. This means sitting and doing nothing and being okay with just beingness and not doingness for a while. I didn’t find that too hard as I gave up my 9-5 jobs a few years back, so the pace of life had slowed immensely.
Loss
Except my ultrasound doctor Dr Raghav, no one educated me on the losses I would feel. When a uterus or ovary is removed it’s a loss of womanhood in so many ways. The hormones change, sexual feelings change, and the body adapts. Women I am learning have depression and anxiety for months. I wish we have more of this education communicated through gynaecologists to prepare people for a new life without googling, Dr google.
The power of touch
Years ago, I had an MRI and I recall the feeling of immense claustrophobia. I remember asking the technician to hold my hand. He did for an entire half an hour and to date I remember that nameless man and thank him for what he did.
Touch is one of the most primal feelings one has. It is one of the most basic ways to experience love and acceptance. Its power is beyond just sex which is most often talked in the social media. A loving hand when held in grief, friends sitting and holding hands watching nature or a tight hug can convey unconditional acknowledgement and love beyond mere words.
Art therapy
As an art therapist I have many tools at my disposal. I dug deep and decided to do daily drawings of my emotions, journaling and neurographica to clear the emotional clutter which brought me down.
Support groups
As a single person with no immediate family in India over the years I have built and leaned on support groups. My chanting group regularly kept in touch with me checking on my welfare to call away, and the chants itself helped me release what I was experiencing if it became intense. Rohini’s, Mooji Sangha kept me focussed on letting go of the story I had created and each time the mind emerged with its attack I focused on awareness and sure enough a silence and healing came forth. Hence to everyone out there build your network of people who will support you. It doesn't always have to be your family and be your own support.
Holy spirit
I was given one affirmation by my SRT teacher during this week- . “I have decided to trust in spirit”. I admit I have often felt like a victim of life blaming, judging, and having expectations which will never ever be met. I decided enough STOP you are not a victim of life but life itself.
Each day I do this affirmation and ask spirit for guidance . It comes not in the way I expect but a feeling. Right now, it says three things- Rest, recuperate, check if you are back in the story of Monica or in the Now moment . The only moment really. The minute one does that one is grounded back to the "isness".
Setting boundaries and walking away from relationships that no longer work for you.
Its sometimes best to disengage completely rather than continue in familiar energetic patterns which serve no purpose other than a repeated cycle of hurt, ego fullfillment and noxiousness on both sides.
Make yourself a priority and stop playing the victim
If you are no ten on someones priority list dont make them number one on yours.
Make yourself the first priortiy something I am learning to do now
It also means treating myself with love and how it shows up in the language I use when the mind chatter starts, the compassion with which I treat myself and what am I doing now to not play the victim anymore.
I need to be in the space of resting silence beyond the person called Monica.
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